Information wants to be free.
So does gasoline.
But neither of them wants to be free half so desperately as does a Maserati. So I decided to liberate one. For what I had in mind, though, I needed a partner - a real pirate.
I found him sitting at the keyboard of his iMac. "Hey!" he said, when I kicked down his door. His eyes bugged out when he saw my outfit. "What... what are...?"
I waved my Luger under his nose. "No time for explanations, Matey." I hauled him downstairs and shoved him into his Hyundai. "Now drive!"
When we got to the dealership, I put a red-and-white striped cap on pudgy-boy,and gave him the parrot to carry, so he'd look more the part. "What if this thing makes poo on my shirt?" he asked nervously. "What are we doing here, anyway?"
"Arrrrh!" I gave the wanker a hearty slap on the back. "Ye'll do just fine, m'lad. Just follow my lead."
And in we went. Once the salesmen realized we weren't a stunt, everything went smoothly - it's a wonderful thing how polite people are when you have them at gunpoint. I accepted the keys for a Maserati, and told "Mr. Smee" to go through all their wallets. "Just the green stuff," I said. "Leave the plastic." The mood in the salesroom brightened considerably at this last.
Then we were in the car and tooling down the road. I felt like the king of the world - a Maserati is one genuinely fine machine. I waited until I heard sirens in the distance and then pulled over and kicked out El Blobbo. "Give my regards to the nice police officers," I said. "I reckon they can find you easily enough, what with our leaving your car at the dealership."
The pathetic creature was blubbering. "Why... why are you doing this to me?" he asked.
I peeled off the eyepatch and the false mustache, threw the feathered hat into the back seat, and grinned. "You're the bastard that uploaded all my work onto the Web. You destroyed the only honest means I had of making a living. You felt pretty good, didn't you? You bragged about it. You'd never have the guts to rob somebody face to face. But you were fearless when you could do your crimes at home where you thought nobody could get you. You were a real pirate."
I could see the flashers now. It was time I got going.
"Look," he said. "Here's the money from their wallets. We're square now, right?"
"Keep the money," I said. Then I shot him in the knee. "Use it to buy yourself a wooden leg."
And off I drove. For the first time in months, I felt at peace with the world.